Every year I am reminded why fall is my least favorite of all the seasons. Football, Halloween, and sweatshirt weather isn’t the problem. I have no beef with any of those things. It’s almost impossible to truly specify exactly what happens to me in fall, but I will do my best. The easiest way to describe it is that when the fall season even considers starting, my mood almost immediately alters to a slightly lesser version of me.

It never fails. Look, I am by no means trying to be negative here. This used to be a lot worse before I got on the right medication, and began to see a psychiatrist regularly. I feel compelled to shed some light on the darkness of seasonal depression. Also can’t forget to mention that anxiety doesn’t take any prisoners either. Fall has always been less than ideal for me to say the least.

This cycle seemed to have started in the fall of 2003 when I became very depressed, anxious, and fearful of the unknown in my every day of my life. I was constantly afraid that something I may do will cause something horrendous to happen, and/or that I would lose the respect of the people that I loved. Most of these fears made little to no sense. A simple one was that I was going to get in trouble in school, and have to deal with the consequences at home. My solution? Not talk at school anymore. My mouth seemed to always be what got me into trouble. Not talking was not like me at all, so my peers noticed. I still remained silent for a month or 2.

I wasn’t afraid of any type of physical punishment at home if I were to get in trouble at school. That didn’t really occur. I was more afraid of the anger and disappointment of my parents. That was much worse for me. To keep things brief, fall of 2013 was when I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My life hasn’t been the same since. I had to accept that this is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.

Maybe fall is a reminder of how afraid I was back then. It can’t be the only reason, if that is the case. After speaking with my psychiatrist, she assured me that fall changes a lot of people’s moods for the worse. It is her busiest time of the year. Hearing her say that helped reinforce my notion that this really is a thing, and I am not alone. As someone who can feel alone in a crowd of people, it still helps to know that is true. To sum things up… if you are experiencing seasonal depression/anxiety this fall, it’s not just you. It’s a real thing, and you are not alone.